The fall I turned 21
The news was out now...
…and there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it. The news that I was leaving had spread like wildfire and what seemed like overnight everyone knew that I was planning to leave the Amish. The lady I cleaned for had told her husband and he owned one of the largest businesses in the area that the Amish contractors would go to for supplies. The morning after the day I told her the news, my uncle walked into his business and he asked my uncle “Have you heard the news about Bethany?” My uncle had no idea and of course asked what it was which then led to him finding out the whole thing. My uncle then told my aunt (I’m assuming as soon as he got home from work) who was (and still is) the community gossip and she proceeded to tell EVERYONE. Fun fact; if you wanted news to get out all you had to do was just tell her (she would frequently add to the story to make it a little more juicy) and the whole community would know in a matter of a week or less.
So there I was with the whole community descending on my back, the very thing I was doing my best to not have happen. My worst nightmare coming to life in front of my eyes. And the thing that was the awfullest cherry on the top; my family found out from other people before I had a chance to tell them myself. Earlier in the summer I had had a conversation with one of my brothers, who was married, and he had told me he would help me leave the community and join the Mennonites and I played along with his idea because:
1. It felt safer and less scary.
2. I wasn’t going to tell him what I was actually thinking because it was too early in the summer and I wanted to wait till the week before I left to tell my family.
That had led to me having a meeting with the preacher who was just under the bishop in rank (both which were brothers and were my cousins) since my brother thought it would be the best course of action and most honorable. Now looking back I wish I would’ve just ignored his advice and never had the meeting. It was pointless and only alerted the men in power.
In that meeting I told the preacher I was removing my membership since I was a member of the church, which when you were baptized into the church it made it so much harder to leave. He proceeded to tell me I couldn’t do that and that they would have to know where I was going and approve it i.e. ‘hand me off’ to the church I would be going to, all under the name of them being responsible for my spiritual life and salvation. I sat at the picnic table on the edge of the woods right by their house as I heard these words coming out of his mouth but in my head I was pissed off. Furious because I saw right through the bullshit rules. And laughing. Laughing at how stupid this all was. Laughing at how he thought he could 100% control my actions by telling me I had to be submissive and obedient to the church.
‘He really thinks I believe him and that they control MY membership.’ I thought as words kept pouring out of his mouth.
‘It’s my membership, which means I can do whatever the blazes I want to with it. I voluntarily joined which means I can voluntarily leave. Free will baby.’ I thought as he leaned forward at this point, looking searchingly into my blank expressionless face. I was keeping myself detached and emotionless. It wasn't safe to show anything. Anything they thought they could use against me or as leverage.
“Where are you planning to go?” His words pulled me out of my inner world. I stared at his face lined with the fakest sincerity I had ever seen. He was posturing his body in a humble stance as well. I watched as he physically became the ‘kind humble preacher who just wanted the best for me.’
‘BULLSHIT. I call bullshit.’ I thought. ‘You take a few things at face value in the Bible but others you completely ignore because, frankly they don’t fit the narrative and would bring this whole house of cards CRASHING to the ground. And we can't have that now, can we? You forced me to become a member when all I wanted was to be baptized because I love Jesus and let Him into my heart. You’ve lumped membership to this awful cult in with something that was meant to be a symbol of relationship and redeeming love. You force the scriptures to mean things they never were intended to so that it backs up your regime. I don’t have to tell you shit about my life and decisions. I never truly bought into this and now I see things so clearly it’s almost blinding. I want to burn this whole horrendous thing to the ground.’
“I don’t know. I will figure that out and put my membership in the church I decide to join.” My voice came out calm and smooth and it almost made me jump at the stark difference between my voice and the thoughts raging in my head. Oh, how I wished I could tell him exactly what I thought. But it wasn’t safe so I bit my mental tongue until I tasted blood. I would not give him the satisfaction of seeing any emotion. He would have nothing to report to the bishop except the things I told him.
I had been invited over to their house because I had asked to talk with him and the minute I had walked in I had felt like I was walking into a small tight space that would suck the air out of my lungs. They had been on edge and I was on high alert. Looking back I see that everyone felt the tension in the air, and it never left.
So here I was. Having had that conversation with the preacher and now everyone finding out my actual plans. What I was truly planning to do. Which was leave, go on the back packing trip to Europe with my sister and her husband and never come back. I had planned to leave as quietly as possible and figure out if I would join the Mennonites or just leave everything entirely on this month long trip. I had played along with my brother’s plan for me and given next to no info in the meeting with the preacher. But that just all went to pot cause now everyone knew the truth. My carefully laid out plan blown to bits.
It was the summer of secrets for me and it had all just blown up in my face.
…to be continued